Punchline
by TheVox
Summary: Bruce Wayne's teenage years explored from the POV of his best friend. ELSEWORLDS. Anything goes. Do you want to hear the Punchline?
1. Chapter 1

My name is Jacob Conrad Hood.

But I hate my name, so call me J. Everyone else does.

I'm not the most popular student at Vickers. You couldn't call me the smartest, either. No, both of those distinctions go to Bruce. With his movie-star looks and perfect grades, he's a catch no matter _what_ type of guy you're looking for.

Me? Well, I'm his best friend.

I guess you could say this makes me popular by association. And while others might find shame in "riding someone else's coattails," I simply take what I can get. I'm smart enough to know that you don't shun _any_ sort of accolade at Vickers, no matter how trivial it may seem from the outside. Especially when you look like I do.

Don't worry. I can laugh about it now. Everyone else used to.

Let's just say I'm the fat one, and growing up that way wasn't easy. My nose didn't help things, either. Long and a bit crooked, it earned me the nickname "Pinocchio."

Who doesn't love that story, that wooden puppet who longed to be a real boy? Ironically, when Vickers held their production of _Pinocchio _in my first year, I didn't get the part. Because I was "too portly" for the role. This coming from Mr. Valentin, the teacher everyone had dubbed "Professor Pig." Funny, isn't it?

But now, Bruce is my friend. People don't call me Pinocchio anymore. I even have the lead role in Shakespeare's _Romeo and Juliet_. Okay, maybe not the lead, but Mercutio is absolutely _essential_ to the story, wouldn't you say?

Of course he is.

I know I have Bruce to thank for this. He would never admit that, but it's true. He would make a fine actor himself, by the way, but he says he has no interest in the subject despite having memorized all of the play's lines and rehearsing with me for endless hours. I truly don't know what I'd do without a friend like him, puzzling as he may be.

I still remember the day we met, you know. It was my second year. By then I was used to being bullied by the others, so I almost couldn't feel their punches anymore. But Bruce made them stop. I'm not sure what he did—I couldn't see very well because my eyes were a bit puffy—but he had them scrambling away. When I smiled up at him from the ground, he held out his hand to me and said, "Come on."

That moment is still so vivid in my mind. It was like _The Creation of Adam_. You know, the fresco by Michelangelo? The one where God's hand reaches out and touches the first man? That's what it felt like. Naturally, my life changed after that. After so many years alone, I finally had a brother. Someone to watch out for me, to protect me. I never had that before...

I think that's something we have in common, Bruce and I. He's not very close with his family, either. At least I never hear him talk about them. And when his ride came for Christmas break, the only person I saw waiting for him was his butler. No mother to hug him. No father to tussle his hair. But at least they wanted him home for the holidays. Nobody came for me.

All winter long, I've missed him. He doesn't laugh often, but when he does, it's so rewarding. And when he comes back—just another week now—I have a real _doozy_ for him. When the cat's away, the mice will play, and I've uncovered something. Maybe the biggest scandal in Vickers history.

And Bruce Wayne is going to help me blow it wide open, for all the world to see.

I can't help but smile.


	2. Chapter 2

_14 years later..._

The sewer is damp and dark and cold. But the Batman doesn't care. If anything, it strengthens his resolve. Reminds him of his purpose. Reminds him of the damp and dark and cold night his parents were murdered. His mother's scream. The scattered pearls.

Maybe I am crazy, he thinks to himself. Maybe Alfred was right.

But then an echo reaches out to him in the dark. A child's cry for help. It must be the boy he followed down here.

Forfeiting stealth, the Batman races ahead through the dimly lit tunnels. "Help!" the boy keeps screaming. "Help us!"

Could there be others? More children in this place?

Come on, Bruce. You're better than this. Faster.

The last tunnel opens into a vast chamber enveloped with Christmas lights. Dozens of children—some as young as five, others older—have gathered around something in the center. Cautiously, the Batman continues, his cape pulled forward to conceal his body (and thus his movements) should action become necessary.

Finally, he sees what they see: a dead man lying gruesomely on the stone floor, his face disfigured by—it seems—a rather jagged blade. A perverse, sickeningly-long smile has been carved across his face, the flesh hollowed along each cheek from the corners of his mouth.

Perhaps stranger are the victim's clothes. Black boots. Gray high-waisted slacks. A ruffled white shirt. And, strangest of all, a heavy red coat adorned with ornate buttons that, as far as Bruce can tell from this distance, are made of gold. The garb reminds him of something from _Treasure Island _and other pirate adventures he read as a child.

Dark blood, as red as his coat, spills from the victim's face and pools around the children's feet. Also red is the message spray-painted on the chamber's back wall: Beware the Sewer King.

"Who did this?" the Batman asks. His deep voice seems to reverberate forever, like a solemn monk's chant echoing off the temple walls.

None of the children speaks. But one in the group recedes, ever so slightly. The Batman turns his head toward the boy, who promptly swallows the lump that forms in his throat.

"A man," the child finally gasps.

"What man?"

"He wore make-up. He was tall, thin..." The boy struggles to remember more.

A dark-skinned girl with a tear-stained face comes forward. "He wore a... a purple suit."

The Batman nods. These details are helpful but ultimately too vague to matter. All that really concerns him right now is protecting these children. He can't leave them to pursue a suspect.

"He had a big nose," the boy suddenly remembers. "Long. Like Pinocchio's."


End file.
